My knees look like I was handing out blow jobs in an elementary school parking lot at 1:00 AM...
oh, wait...
Monday, November 28, 2011
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Monday, November 7, 2011
Classy Moments in the Life of T. Moore: Moment #793
Being totally relieved to find my bra on the dining room table under the bag of chips I was eating last night...meaning I had not given it away to anyone as a souvenir...which for a few hours seemed like a real possibility in my mind...
Great Lakes Christmas Ale, you're my best frenemy!
Great Lakes Christmas Ale, you're my best frenemy!
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Damn you Burt Reynolds!!!
So, it appears that there is a broken part of my brain...and that is the part that remembers the differences between certain celebrities...particularly troublesome seem to be Burt Reynolds and Tom Selleck...
I wrote that guest post on The X Files and said, confidently, that Tom Selleck was a featured guest star...I didn't even look it up because I knew...I KNEW that I always get Burt Reynolds and Tom Selleck mixed up, and therefore I have looked it up a million different times...and I swear I always started out thinking it was Burt Reynolds but that's always wrong so I knew for a fact it was Tom Seleck because that was not my first instinct...well it turns out it actually IS Burt Reynolds!
SO then I write a comment giving the correction and try to make a little joke about how I must be watching too many old Celebrity Jeopardy clips from SNL back when Norm MacDonald would play Tom Selleck and change his name to Turd Ferguson and menace Alex Trebek before Sean Connery took over that role...but then it turns out that that was actually Burt Reynolds too!!!
This happens with other celebrities though too...for instance, there is a clear difference between Jack Hanna and Alan Alda, however, I cannot ever ever ever remember what Jack Hanna actually looks like..I ALWAYS picture him as Alan Alda...which is just bizarre because they have absolutely nothing to do with each other and don't even look that much alike...even when Jack Hanna was recently on the news when all those animals were loose I looked at him and thought, "Why do I always picture the guy from M*A*S*H?"
Also, Robert DeNiro and Al Pacino...this one's a little bit more understandable than Alda/Hanna...they're at least both actors and share a general face shape and play similar roles...the big thing with these two those is that I can think of one of their names and then get a mental block for the other one...and that's always the one I'm actually trying to talk about...
I wrote that guest post on The X Files and said, confidently, that Tom Selleck was a featured guest star...I didn't even look it up because I knew...I KNEW that I always get Burt Reynolds and Tom Selleck mixed up, and therefore I have looked it up a million different times...and I swear I always started out thinking it was Burt Reynolds but that's always wrong so I knew for a fact it was Tom Seleck because that was not my first instinct...well it turns out it actually IS Burt Reynolds!
SO then I write a comment giving the correction and try to make a little joke about how I must be watching too many old Celebrity Jeopardy clips from SNL back when Norm MacDonald would play Tom Selleck and change his name to Turd Ferguson and menace Alex Trebek before Sean Connery took over that role...but then it turns out that that was actually Burt Reynolds too!!!
This happens with other celebrities though too...for instance, there is a clear difference between Jack Hanna and Alan Alda, however, I cannot ever ever ever remember what Jack Hanna actually looks like..I ALWAYS picture him as Alan Alda...which is just bizarre because they have absolutely nothing to do with each other and don't even look that much alike...even when Jack Hanna was recently on the news when all those animals were loose I looked at him and thought, "Why do I always picture the guy from M*A*S*H?"
Also, Robert DeNiro and Al Pacino...this one's a little bit more understandable than Alda/Hanna...they're at least both actors and share a general face shape and play similar roles...the big thing with these two those is that I can think of one of their names and then get a mental block for the other one...and that's always the one I'm actually trying to talk about...
Monday, September 26, 2011
"I was going to smoke the marijuana like a cigarette." - George Michael Bluth
So I served a Heineken at work today at for some reason it just looked sooo good! I was like, I totally have to grab a sixer of that on my way home...
Well I stopped at the Sunoco over by the highway...you know, the one that also sells an assortment of pipes and that bullshit legal alternative to marijuana...funny story, they have a couple blown glass pipes shaped like elephants that they keep on the counter by the register...now the first time I saw them I totally thought of my friend who LOVES elephants, and I was all "that's so cute I should totally get that for her!" thinking that it was just some nice innocent artwork...because who expects the corner gas station to be selling bowls? not me, you usually only find those in places that smell like patchouli and hippie feet...so I'm looking at the elephant for like 5 minutes while I'm standing in line before I realize it's a bowl, and by that time it was my turn and the cashier gives me this look like he can't decide if I'm an underground smoker or an undercover cop...but anyway, back to the original story...
So I'm at Sunoco looking at the beer cooler and I don't see any Heineken...that's a normal beer places usually have, so I was way disappointed until I saw on the top shelf a 6 pack of Schlitz!...I had to buy it because it's kind of legendary and it would be a new cap for my collection...and even if it tastes like shit wtf, I'll drink just about anything anyway...after I pulled it out of the cooler I did actually see the Heineken on the bottom shelf, so I figured it was fate that brought me to the Schlitz instead...so I go to pay for it and this guy gets in line behind me with a double deuce of Bud Ice, a Dr. Pepper, and a 3 Musketeers bar...as creepers in gas stations are prone to do he starts commenting on my purchase, "a girl buying Schlitz that's new! I did a lot of damage with that stuff back in my younger days. That's a beer that'll put hair on your chest! Huh huh huh!"
Yeah, thanks for the commentary guy...and might I also mention that this particular guy did not look that old, maybe 40ish? I don't know whatever...but apparently he's a regular cause before he even hands me back my change the cashier is joking that the candy bar can't be for the guy, at which point it's revealed that the chocolate is for "his woman" and he'll "never understand the chocolate thing women have, but I did just learn about this Godiva shit, I can get down on that!"...uh what? yeah...
But back to the Schlitz...official ruling: not bad at all, nothing extreme or harsh in any sense, especially not in the way of things that 'put hair on your chest'...official ruling on the guy at the gas station: Pussy
Well I stopped at the Sunoco over by the highway...you know, the one that also sells an assortment of pipes and that bullshit legal alternative to marijuana...funny story, they have a couple blown glass pipes shaped like elephants that they keep on the counter by the register...now the first time I saw them I totally thought of my friend who LOVES elephants, and I was all "that's so cute I should totally get that for her!" thinking that it was just some nice innocent artwork...because who expects the corner gas station to be selling bowls? not me, you usually only find those in places that smell like patchouli and hippie feet...so I'm looking at the elephant for like 5 minutes while I'm standing in line before I realize it's a bowl, and by that time it was my turn and the cashier gives me this look like he can't decide if I'm an underground smoker or an undercover cop...but anyway, back to the original story...
So I'm at Sunoco looking at the beer cooler and I don't see any Heineken...that's a normal beer places usually have, so I was way disappointed until I saw on the top shelf a 6 pack of Schlitz!...I had to buy it because it's kind of legendary and it would be a new cap for my collection...and even if it tastes like shit wtf, I'll drink just about anything anyway...after I pulled it out of the cooler I did actually see the Heineken on the bottom shelf, so I figured it was fate that brought me to the Schlitz instead...so I go to pay for it and this guy gets in line behind me with a double deuce of Bud Ice, a Dr. Pepper, and a 3 Musketeers bar...as creepers in gas stations are prone to do he starts commenting on my purchase, "a girl buying Schlitz that's new! I did a lot of damage with that stuff back in my younger days. That's a beer that'll put hair on your chest! Huh huh huh!"
Yeah, thanks for the commentary guy...and might I also mention that this particular guy did not look that old, maybe 40ish? I don't know whatever...but apparently he's a regular cause before he even hands me back my change the cashier is joking that the candy bar can't be for the guy, at which point it's revealed that the chocolate is for "his woman" and he'll "never understand the chocolate thing women have, but I did just learn about this Godiva shit, I can get down on that!"...uh what? yeah...
But back to the Schlitz...official ruling: not bad at all, nothing extreme or harsh in any sense, especially not in the way of things that 'put hair on your chest'...official ruling on the guy at the gas station: Pussy
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